Okay, here are 200 puns, perfect for a human blog, presented as one-liners:
1. I tried to make a belt out of watches, but it was a total waist of time.
2. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
3. I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
4. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
6. I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.
7. I just wrote a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
8. I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
9. My dentist gave me novocaine so I could see stars!
10. I was struggling to figure out how lightning works, but then it struck me.
11. I gave up my seat to a senior citizen. Now I’m sitting beside them.
12. I need to change my car, so I can get a good mechanic.
13. I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came completely out of the purple.
14. I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
15. I tried to explain quantum physics to my cat, but I think it went over his head.
16. I got a new vacuum cleaner; it sucks!
17. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
18. I am really good at digging. I dig it.
19. I don’t trust stairs, they’re always up to something.
20. I lost my job as a proofreader because I missed a few mistakes.
21. I’m great at cooking Italian dishes. I knead to be.
22. I got a new job in a mirror factory. I could really see myself working there.
23. My pet mouse’s breath smells like mint.
24. Don’t give me advice, I know what I’m doing and I’m usually right.
25. I just got fired from the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
26. I have a split personality, and so does he.
27. My uncle used to run a bowling alley, but he had to close it down. He just couldn’t handle the pressure.
28. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
29. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which came first.
30. You know what they say about thieves: They always con artists.
31. I just saw a dog playing poker. I was wondering what his paw-ker face was like.
32. Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeals.
33. I’m starting a new business making boats in my attic. The sails are going through the roof!
34. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
35. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
36. I make horrible seafood jokes.
37. I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
38. A man tells his doctor that he is allergic to paper.
39. I can’t stand jokes about German sausage – they’re the wurst.
40. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
41. I’m really good at writing, I can write for days.
42. Never trust atoms. They make up everything!
43. She didn’t recognize me because I wasn’t using my face.
44. What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.
45. I went to a funeral, I was shocked by how nice everyone was being.
46. I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.
47. The shoplifter was sentenced to community service. He couldn’t believe the irony.
48. I just got kicked out of the library for being too loud. I had to leaf.
49. I once swallowed a dictionary. Now I can’t stop talking.
50. I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?
51. I’m a terrible gardener, but my skills are growing on me.
52. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
53. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
54. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
55. My friend got crushed by a pile of books. He only has himself to blame.
56. I’m trying to cut back on carbs. I’m really wheat-vering if I can do it.
57. I just ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know which one arrives first.
58. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good, but it had no atmosphere.
59. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
60. A sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
61. I hate puns. I wish everyone would stop making them.
62. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
63. I tried to catch some fog yesterday. Mist.
64. I’m terrible at golf. I always slice.
65. I just found out my car can run on vegetables. Now, I carrot all.
66. I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.
67. I just had a philosophical debate with a cashier. It was Kant-roversial.
68. I got a new hearing aid. It’s ear-resistible!
69. My neighbor’s dog is learning to play the trumpet. It’s really pawsome.
70. I went to a party dressed as a grape. Nobody laughed, it was a raisin awareness.
71. I’m trying to write a book about puns, but I keep getting writer’s block. It’s pun-ishing.
72. My vacuum cleaner broke. Now it just gathers dust.
73. I’m reading a book about helium. I can’t put it down.
74. I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children.” I thought, that seems like a fair trade.
75. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
76. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn’t find any.
77. I failed math so many times I can’t even count.
78. When chemists die, they barium.
79. I just got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn’t concentrate.
80. I’m not a procrastinator; I just like to do things later.
81. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
82. I’m trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
83. I’m learning to play the piano by ear. It’s a pain in the neck.
84. I love ice skating because it’s very cool.
85. I started a band called 999 Megabytes – we’re not quite a gig.
86. I thought about joining a self-help group for procrastinators, but I decided to put it off.
87. I’m trying to find the meaning of life, but I’m always getting side-tracked.
88. I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.
89. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me vacation ads.
90. I like telling dad jokes; sometimes he laughs.
91. I got a new fridge magnet; it was very a-tract-ive.
92. He wanted to become a marine biologist, but he couldn’t sea himself doing it.
93. She was working at the doughnut factory; she kneaded the money.
94. I’m not sure what to say, but I’ll think of something punny.
95. I used to collect old radios but then I realized they were all amped up.
96. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.
97. The baker said he had to quit his job, because he kneaded a break.
98. The guy was so obsessed with birds, he was raven mad!
99. I told my wife she was overreacting, then she made me apologize for everything.
100. He was a bit nervous performing open-heart surgery, he needed to have guts.
101. I had some spare batteries, so I gave them away free of charge.
102. When I got back to my car, I realized I left my blinker on for two days; I’m sure that’s gonna turn some heads.
103. I had a dream I was a muffler last night; I woke up exhausted.
104. I went for a walk, but my sneakers were full of holes so I got athlete’s foot.
105. The dog went to the flea circus; I heard he stole the show.
106. The bank was robbed, but they didn’t lose anything.
107. He didn’t like the seafood; he said it was shellfish.
108. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
109. I took the ring to the jeweler to get appraised, and they gave it a thumbs up.
110. I was attacked by a shark; I didn’t see it coming.
111. The chef was sad; I said he should add some thyme.
112. My roommate is a hoarder, he has an issue he needs to address.
113. A man went to get some wood; he was going to branch out.
114. The restaurant was very quiet; it was just crickets.
115. He tried to get a new job; the competition was intense.
116. I was looking for something sweet, so I checked for honeydew.
117. The comedian was hilarious; he really broke me up.
118. I got a new truck; now I can haul anything.
119. The race was really exciting; I almost jumped out of my seat.
120. My neighbor had to get rid of his parrot; I guess Polly wants a new cracker.
121. The man was a great magician; he said it ran in his genes.
122. He tried to fix the lamp, but he had to bulb out.
123. I took my car to the shop; I said it was making a funny noise.
124. My doctor told me I have bad eyesight; I don’t see it.
125. The mechanic had no patience; he had a short fuse.
126. The detective was looking for clues; he didn’t have a lead.
127. He wanted to join the military; I told him to armor up.
128. The baker was having a hard time; he couldn’t make ends meet.
129. I had some money, so I invested in a bank.
130. He wanted a new job; he said his current one was a joke.
131. I had a date the other night; it was eye-opening.
132. I had my car waxed, now it’s shiny.
133. The thief stole a calendar; I guess he wanted to make time.
134. My car was in the shop for repairs; it was a long process.
135. The student was having trouble reading; he couldn’t see the point.
136. I found some old books, now I can book a flight.
137. He didn’t pay his water bill; now his tap is dry.
138. I saw a bird drinking out of a soda can; it was a coo-linary experience.
139. He couldn’t remember his password; he had a memory lapse.
140. I saw some people eating; I was feeling peckish.
141. I am going to start a business about business.
142. My doctor told me that my heart’s not in the right place; I’m not sure I can swallow that.
143. I got a new telescope; I’m looking for a new outlook.
144. My roommate said I had to start pulling my weight, I told him it wasn’t enough.
145. I am going to open an Italian restaurant; it will be a pasta bility.
146. He had to pay his debts; his wallet felt lighter.
147. I couldn’t get through a locked door; there was no way to bolt.
148. He didn’t get the job; it wasn’t on the books.
149. I asked the cashier if she was single; she said I had to take a number.
150. I was looking for a good steak; there wasn’t any at stake.
151. I made a business selling shoes; I put my best foot forward.
152. The man couldn’t find the light switch; he was in the dark.
153. My mom told me to take out the trash; I thought it was rubbish.
154. There was an accident near the freeway; now it’s backed up.
155. I want to get into the art business; it’s a brush with fame.
156. He couldn’t find his car keys; I told him to look for them.
157. I was trying to tell a joke, but I failed; I was a pun-dit.
158. The singer wanted to make new friends; he was a musician.
159. I’m not sure why I’m laughing.
160. I wanted to make money, so I became a banker.
161. There was a big rush on the corner; now I’m cornered.
162. My car broke down last night; it was my driving force.
163. The baker made a batch of bread; I said his job’s well bread.
164. He was trying to catch a rabbit; he was bunny hopping.
165. I want to start a lawn-mowing business; it’s a cut above.
166. I didn’t want to walk; I wanted to run.
167. My dog needed a haircut; I said he was looking ruff.
168. The baseball player was a hit; he was a real home run.
169. I didn’t study for the test, I felt like I lost.
170. He wanted to climb the mountain; it was a steep learning curve.
171. I asked my dad to make a speech; it was my father’s word.
172. The detective needed clues; so I said to solve.
173. I wanted to make a point with the crowd; they were on my case.
174. We needed a light bulb for the hallway; I told her to turn it on.
175. The man went to court; he was found guilty.
176. He didn’t have an option; he had to fold.
177. I asked her for a dance; she said I couldn’t make her move.
178. He was an athlete, so I knew he would break a sweat.
179. She was looking for a new home; she found it on Zillow.
180. I made an error while cleaning; I did it on porpoise.
181. I was feeling sad so I went back to the city for a while.
182. She went to the bakery to get something sweet, she wanted something sugary.
183. I didn’t want to talk about it; it’s a touchy subject.
184. We wanted to do some exercise; we decided to run.
185. The man started making shoes; I told him to put on his boots.
186. She didn’t know what to say; she was lost for words.
187. He needed a new job; I told him he should seek a career.
188. I wanted to buy some socks; so I went to Hanes.
189. He didn’t want to watch the show; he thought it was awful.
190. I asked my friend if she was having trouble; she said she was lost for time.
191. There was a thief roaming; I told them to watch their backs.
192. I wanted to learn the saxophone; it’s a band thing.
193. He was going to sail the ocean; so I wished him a smooth ride.
194. She needed to paint the house; I told her to paint the walls.
195. He was going to climb the rock; I wished him a safe climb.
196. I didn’t want to be in the show; I wanted to quit the act.
197. I had a lot of laundry; I couldn’t bare to do the clothes.
198. He didn’t want to talk to me; he said I was an introvert.
199. She wanted to become a gardener; so I told her to go plant some seeds.
200. I was getting my haircut for the first time in a while; so I said my hair was growing like crazy.